My Final Defeat - Fixed Competition
June 28, 2007
She probably can’t remember and I know I can never forget…the first time I saw her like that I was only nine years-oldnot naive by any stretchhaving seen my share of tragedy-my parent’s bitter battles in my first five years of lifethen the inevitable end of their marriagebut not before 700 days of devastation called divorcethat destroyed dreams and deeply damaged heartsI had no idea life could get worse…
But it did -
The day I found her passed out cold on the living room floorI thought she was sleeping at firstIn fact I swore she was just sound asleep to my petrified little sisterwhose big brown eyes screamed with fear at the site of the lifeless body of our mommyslobber dribbling out of the corner of her mouthsoaking her cheek below the dirt of her eye makeupthat trickled down her sallow skin on a facedevoid of any expression…
Is mommy dead?a little voice whimperedmy sister weeped
My gut said Yeah she’s dead as a doornail
Thankfully my words said No No she’s not deadas I carried my trembling, tiny sibling upstairs and tucked her in bed with my promisethat Mommy would wake up in the morning…as I wondered What if she didn’t?
Little did I know I would wonder again and againfor the next 20 yearswho I would see when I came home from school…my real mom - you know her - the sober, sophisticated lady -or would I find that ugly, evil spiritlurking within my mommy’s body again?
I loathed that demon who called me nasty namesand didn’t cook dinner or do laundryI wanted to murder the monster that growled at meslurring words, throwing things and staggering through our house…
So confused, embarassed, shocked, and dazedby how my mommy would really be two people
But I learned early -
Never ask questions…about anything at allNever tell…anyone - not a soulNever complain about the awful monsterfor fear that it would take my real mommy away foreverNever trust anyone or even my tomorrows…since nobody ever knew if the evil demon would be backNever feel anything…because it was easier to become completely numbthan to endure the endless pain and loss day after day…
When I got older, I thought I could deal betterbut looking back now I know I was wrong…It didn’t get easier, I just became paralyzedbehind the protective wall I built to be safe from her…
Nobody ever met the first boy I went on a date withneither parent even knew his namemuch less what kind of car I hopped intoor where we were supposed to be going…Because my dad wasn’t around and she was drunkand I was ashamed, so I stood by the front doorwaiting for Tommy’s car to come down my streetand as soon as I saw it, I barged out the doorraced across the front porch, skipped the steps, barely letting my feet touch the curb beforeI bounced into his Chevy with my gleaming smilethat everyone knew me for -
The radiant face with the perpetually beaming smilethat I faked so often, it almost felt real…My cheerful facade created to disguisemy actual agony and untold twisted torture
Today at 30 years-old, I have perfected my mysterious mask as I cower behind my forced, dazzling smileand feigned nature of blissful peace and normalcy
Nobody ever gets even a glimpse of the real me - tormented by childhood memoriestossing and turning in my bed every night,haunted by frantic flashes of bad dreams,reeling in faithless feelings, lingering self-doubt, desolate disbelief, hopelessly
searching…for explanations, answersto my questions that haven’t changed in 20 years…
But anything close to understanding seems to escape my emotional graspeternally eluding my ravished, raging mindand sense of reason and logic…
I surrended myself to a continual, compulsive scramblethrough a menacing maze of misconceptionsthat I perpetuate with my naive expectationsfor a miracle to magically reveal a meaningful responseto my endlessly, impossible questions…
If I could just find…A solitary reason whymy mother has continued to choose alcohol over mefor more than 25 years…Or a single clue to explain howI can compete for her love whenmy opponent is a lifeless, speechless, emotionlessloyal bottle of vodka…
Resource Box - © Danielle Hollister (2004) is the Publisher of BellaOnline Quotations Zine - A free newsletter for quote lovers featuring more than 10,000 quotations in dozens of categories like - love, friendship, children, inspiration, success, wisdom, family, life, and many more. Read it online at - http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art8364.asp
